I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
