The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
