When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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