Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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