I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
