I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
