i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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