I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
