my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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