someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
