I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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