When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
