Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
