she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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