even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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