it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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