Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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