It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
