So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
