got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
