omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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