I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
