IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
