I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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