Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
