i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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