I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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