I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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