R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
even my farts smell like vagina
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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