The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
