I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
