I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
