I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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