Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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