I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
