Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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