I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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