Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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