After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
