I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
