ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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