You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
