those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
