you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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