i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
