The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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