You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
