I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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