She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize