Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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