I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
40s are totally the cure
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
