I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
