Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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