I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
