uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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