I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
