P.S. I can't hear my feet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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