the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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