ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
