my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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