So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This baby is an asshole
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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