I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
